By Brian Eckard

Today started out like any other day. It was cool here in the Pacific Northwest, and I was able to get up and get ready to go to work without too much effort. I arrived at work around 6:30 AM and the day appeared to hold such promise. By 8:30 people were filing into the office and start their days. The office filled with the noises so familiar in offices all over this land. Then around 10 AM or so I heard a woman who sounded like she was in shock. She had found out that her daughter had died. The poor lady lost control and she became inconsolable. You could not blame her. If anything her pain ripped at my heart. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a child to death. I have no idea how I would even respond in a situation like that. My prayers went out for that poor soul.

Her friends hurried over to her to give her comfort. As soon as they got her off the phone they ushered her off the floor. I assume a coworker probably escorted her and helped her to get home. However, later in the day I heard that she had passed out from the shock and was taken to a nearby hospital. Her life now forever changed. I do not know the details of what happened, or how her daughter died. All I witnessed was the shock and horror of finding out that your child has died.

It got me to thinking about my daughter. I too have lost her, but my loss is a different kind of loss because there is always the possiblity that she will come back someday. Death doesn't give you that possiblity. It is simply over with, ripping apart the hearts that survive. My loss is a cruel loss because I know that my daughter is purposely staying away. She refuses to explain why and apparently is holding some sort of grudge.

Today's events are simply a reminder to me of how precious life is and how quickly it can be snatched away. None of us know when that time will come, or where death will find us. The closest analogy for me is that it comes as a theif in the knife. My only concern is will it catch me by surprise? This morning also reminded me of last year when I was driving to work one morning. My cell phone rang and it was my ex-step mother in law. Initially, I thought she was calling me about my former wife. She was calling to tell me about the passing of my ex-father in law. The news of his passing was shocking, and I was surprised that I cried. We had just settled a frustrating divorce proceeding and my last contact with him was two months before when he called to accuse me of renegging on my court agreements. He was sadly mistaken, and he was angry with me. Now there would never be an opportunity for reconciliation. I became angry over the fact that he would allow a 20 year relationship end the way it did. I was angry that he was still trying to fight with me because he apparently didn't like the final divorce decree.

I remembered the morning so long ago when I found out that I had lost my mother. My dad called with that news. After calling my work I quickly departed for Annapolis where my family was beginning to gather. I cried at my loss, and felt that it was so unbearable to have to deal with the fact that my moher had died. So I can empathize with the woman who today found out that she had lost her daughter. But, I still cannot understand the pain she must be feeling right now with the loss of a child. Whenever a child dies, it just seems that it is harder to cope with. It seems so unfair that such a young life can be snatched away. Just as she was about to start her life, it was snuffed out and over. Her life, like a fine linen, folded up and put away.

Loss is a painful ordeal that we must all confront. Death touches everyone and will eventually claim us all. Life is so precious that today simply reminds me of the importance of loving everyone around me and resolving any conflicts as quick as possible. We don't know when our last day is, and I don't want to leave this world with broken relationships. I don't want to leave my daughter in a position of anger because I died before she had an opportunity to come back. I don't want her to depart without ever coming back so that she and I can resume our relationship as father and daughter.

Just some thoughts on a somber day at work. A day that had started out with such promise.

 --Brian

Posted by stuckjunction at 8:52 PM

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By Brian Eckard

People just love carrying around emotional baggage. What I'm talking about is our past and all of the experiences that seem to shape who we are today.For most of us, our pasts are littered with good memories and bad. It seems that we never really remember the good times, but we love to dwell on the bad times. For some of us this leads us into depression, for others denial, and for a very select few it motivates them to learn how to let go and move on with their lives.

I'm learning how to let go. And, as I prepare to enter into a new life with my best friend and fiance, I have been spending time looking at my past and remembering what I have been through. I have carefully analyzed my experiences and attempted to learn from them. My goal is simple. I want to learn from my experiences and then get rid of all the bad experiences. I am purposely striving to only take my good memories forward with me into my new life that is blossoming around me.

Learning how to let go can take a life time to learn. Some people would even suggest that letting go is in a sense, denial. I don't believe that it is. I'm not denying that my past exists, I am consicously deciding to take what good I can learn from it and then leaving the rest of it behind. It is more of a purging than it is a denial that it even exists.

My struggle to let go began with looking back and searching through my experiences to discover why I came to the place where I find myself today. It is the sum total of all those experiences that equal the person whom I am today, if that makes any sense to you.

Both the good things that have happened to me, and the bad things have shaped me into the man that I am today. I am not condemned to stay the current course that I am on. I can change things, and that is what the new life that awaits me with my fiance is all about. It is a new life, a new opportunity, a chance at happiness once more.

Some old photographs

The other night we were cleaning up our place for my boys who will be coming to visit me for the summer. We found my photographs and started to look at them. What a flood of memories of times gone by, many of which I am happy. My first marriage lasted for 18 years. At the beginning it was a good marriage and there was a lot of happiness. Somewhere along the way that happiness went away. The sadness that descended on my household slowly drained the life out of all of us. You can see it in the last pictures that I have from that marriage. The looks on the faces were sad. There was obviously very little happiness in that family.

Deep down, I know when I started to become sad in that marriage. I thought that I could force myself to be happy, and to accept things for what they were. After all, the marriage vow is for better or for worse. I settled for the fact that I was simply stuck in this thing and would have to see it to its end--most likely after a long life. What have I learned from that? Never, NEVER, settle for anything. If you want to be happy you have to choose to be happy. You cannot force it, you cannot fake it, you cannot survive if you just accept that things have to be negative. It's funny, because I didn't learn this until after my marriage failed and I had moved on into a new relationship. It was like a mask had been lifted from my eyes. I was happy again--and without even trying. I laugh now, and I smile when you take my picture.

Looking at those pictures also reminded me of my responsibility in that marriage. I had let my attitude get to a point where I became frustrated and angry. I felt stuck and trapped in something that I wasn't sure I wanted to be in. I didn't hate anybody. My former wife has always been a good friend. This was certainly not her fault that I had changed like this. She was dealing with her own issues that had swamped her and overtaken her to a point where she too wanted out of this relationship. I don't know when these feelings of being trapped hit her, but it was obvious at the end that we both were feeling the same thing.

Everyone is now in the process of moving on, which is good, and it is needed. Life goes on and that is the lesson that my children need to learn. I want them to learn from my example, that when everything falls apart you pick up the pieces, learn from your mistakes, make plans for a better future, and move on. That is what I did, and what I am currently doing. Out of the collection of photographs that I brought with me from Texas, I've kept one picture of my former wife with my children. Everyone is smiling and actually looking happy. That is the one memory of my marriage that I want to keep. The memory of when it was a good marriage and we were all happy together. The rest--all the negative, I'm letting go.

A loss that is simply unacceptable to me

Part of the fallout from my divorce was my daughter shunning me. She and I once had a good relationship. She had a good sense of humor and the sarcasm that would come out between us was entertaining. She had a good head on her shoulders and was able to make good choices and decisions. She's still pretty much like that. She's on the honor roll in high school and there is so much to be proud of about her. She is also a very talented artist, and I think if she wanted to she could go far with that talent and make a nice living for herself.

She is angry with me over the divorce and maybe other issues, which she refuses to explain to me so that we can reconcile and restore our relationship. I decided to give her space and have given her freedom. Our last tiff was over her summer visits that the custody agreement requires her to do. She simply doesn't want to spend time with me. It is sad that she does not want to fight to keep her father in her life.

So, I have moved on without her. Even though it is hard to do, it is best for me to let go and move on with what is working in my life. The ball is in her court now as far as how and when she wants to resolve her issues with me. I'm here.

Crash and burn

The most interesting experience I had was at the very end when everything fell apart. The ease with which I was willing to let it go and lose most if not all of my possessions simply amazed me. I had always thought that it would be hard to lose everything. This experience changed my mind on what many would say is a pretty big negative. I found it almost cleansing.

Initially, when it happened, I was in a state of shock. I knew what I had to do in order to protect my kids, and it was almost like I was running on automatic. Entering my apartment after I had gotten over the fear of what had happened, I commanded my daughter to help me load up the car. I told her to pack her clothes and to pick one thing that she wanted to keep. I told her to do that for her brothers too. I then started to pack up the car. I grabbed my two PC boxes and also Beth's box. I figured we could purchase new monitors and keyboards later. We carefully packed up the car, squeezing everything we could think of into it.

Then we all got into the car and started to look for a place to stay. I know we could have stayed in the apartment that night, but I felt an urgency to the situation, and I didn't want my kids to experience actually being evicted from their home. Finally we found a motel that we could afford to stay in. I used all of the money in my account to pay for that room, and have enough cash left over to cover food. I knew that my account would soon over draw. Fortunately, my attorney's checks had come through and been paid. So it was only a matter of waiting for my next pay check.

I knew that I was going to be leaving Texas as soon as that pay check arrived, so it would also be my last for a while. Still in shock, my kids and I waited for that week and a half to come to an end. The next morning I put in my notice. I told my boss what was going on. She was very concerned, and when she found out that I was trying to figure out how to pay for the remaining days in the motel until pay day, she gave me some money to cover our expenses.

When my last day of work, and pay day, finally arrived I was elated. My friend had arrived in town the night before and we would be leaving Texas for good in a couple of hours. Before we could leave there were some final things to take care of. I had a pay day loan to pay off, and I wanted to pay the apartment for the money we owed them that had been the reason they evicted us. We did our errands and ended up at the apartment complex. My friend dropped the check and my key in the drop box, and we left.

After getting back to the motel we packed up the car and loaded the kids into the back seat. We still had a lot of food items that we didn't want to take with us, so we gave it all to the maid, who was very pleased at her unexpected gift. With a quick look around, I got into my car, started it up, and we left. There was no remorse, no sorrow, no tears. It was very easy to leave all my things behind for a new and better life. I let it all go. --Brian

Posted by stuckjunction at 1:23 PM

Updated: Monday, 24 July 2006 11:50 AM

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I can still remember when I was a teenager. Boy, talk about a period of time in life that I would never want to return to and live over again. And, my teenage years weren't that bad. Even though I had my own set of self-imagined issues with my parents--as most American teenagers have. Here's how ridiculous this age group is. We live in one of the most affluent countries on earth. Kids today can get just about anything they want. Most parents spoil their kids with new cars, stereos, clothes--and yet, the spoiled child still complains about issues with their parents.

The more I deal with my teenage daughter, and now my teenage step daughter, the more I wonder if I was like that too when I was their age. My conclusion--yup?I was. All of the issues, the attitudes, the mood swings. My encounters now simply keep reminding me of where I have been, and what I've been through. As I said at the beginning, I would never want to be a teenager again.

Teenagers today are better off than when I was a teenager. However, I didn't have it that bad either. I pretty much received whatever I asked for, just like my daughter and step daughter experience. I also felt the injustice of it all when my parents would say no and not allow me to do something, or receive something. How dare they say no to me! GRIN. As a parent looking back at my own situation, I can now see the wisdom that my parents used with me when they did turn me down.

Their motives for their actions were based off of a love for me, and a desire to not see me harmed. They simply were trying to give me space to grow, and at the same time protect me from harm. I have the same motives when I deal with my children. And, just like my parents experienced, my teenage kids also question my motives and seem to always draw the wrong conclusions as to my actions. There just isn't any winning with teenagers. It boils down to having it their way, or no way!

Friends are so important to a teenager. They travel around in herds. The typical teenager craves to be an individual. What that means though is that they don't want to be like their parents. They are rebellious. Yet the individuality they seek gets washed away by peer pressure, and they dress like the herd they roam around the place with. This seems to be a very common trait of all teenagers. I see this in my daughter, who lives on the east coast, and my step daughter, who lives with me and her mother on the west coast.

They get angry with their parents for unfounded reasons. They imagine all sorts of issues that may or may not even exist. They are prideful, thinking that they know more than their parents. Never mind that their parents have been on this earth a lot longer then they--to a teenager, their parents are simply idiots. So, the parents' experience is simply wiped away as unrelated to the current day. If you have ever studied history you will quickly learn that the human condition has really not changed. We are still dealing with the same issues so a teenager 20 years ago is the same as a teenager in present times. The toys and technology may have changed, the inner person has not.

Immaturity rules the life of a teenager as they enroll in the school of hard knocks. They don't realize that their parents were once teenagers, and more than likely shared the same attitudes and feelings that their children now experience. They don't want to admit that life is unfair, and sometimes things happen that are out of the control of their parents. This leads to unfair decisions that do hurt. But, they hurt the parent as much as the teenager when they are made.

When I had to decide to send my children to the east coast, it was one of the hardest decisions to make. Especially when it was made in the middle of divorce proceedings. My children were fortunate though. Even though their lives had fallen apart, as mine had too, the adults involved put their differences aside so that the interests of the children could be met. It was a hard decision, but all of us made the right decision. I wouldn't change any of it.

Out of the turmoil of that divorce my daughter has come through, but she has chosen to be an angry teenager, and take out her frustrations on her father. Even though at one point she even asked me to divorce her mother, she still blames me for everything that has happened to her. I am willing to take responsibility for my decisions, and I have. She still needs some time to come to the realization that she too has to take responsibility for her part in the family, and the break up of that family.

And, that is the key to growing up. Learning to take responsibility for your own actions and choices. It is not the fault of my parents that my life has turned out as it has. It is all 100% my fault. I suffer the consequences of my decisions, not my parents. Their actions at one point in time did affect me, but in the big scheme of things it boils down to what I decided to do with their decisions, and my actions. My daughter is no different. She is choosing to be angry with me. That is not a choice that I have made. She is choosing to hold a grudge, to not communicate with me, and to not resolve whatever her issues are with me. I have left the door open for her, and when she is ready we will work this out to resolution. I've taken responsibility for my actions. When will she take responsibility for her part in this?--Brian

Comic courtesy of: http://www.msnbc.com/comics/

Posted by stuckjunction at 12:17 PM

Updated: Wednesday, 10 May 2006 8:52 AM

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