Topic: Self Improvement
By Archibald McSweeny
This summer I have been working with my son and teaching him coping skills. He suffers from what may be depression that has been triggered by some major life changes that happened to him in 2003-2005. During these changes he was 5 years old when the situation started, and he is now 8 years old. Things are starting to settle down for him as the adults in his life start to move on with their lives and rebuild what they lost. Divorce is always a horrible experience even when the parents do their best to shield their children from the more negative aspects of the situation. My family has pretty much survived, though there are some rough areas and issues that still need to be addressed.
My son, Scott, is a smart boy. He catches on quickly and does well in school. The one thing that tends to get in his way and hold him back is a negative attitude. His negative attitude often leads to anger issues that might possibly be related to slight depression over what has happened to him. He is being treated for depression and does take medicine to deal with mood swings and his ability to stay focused on one thing at a time (attention deficeit). What has been lacking are the skills that you and I use everday to steer our emotions through the maze of complex social encounters that people deal with day in and day out.
So, this summer I have been spending time with Scott teaching him how to control his anger, improve his behavior, and how to talk positively about himself. We have witnessed quite an improvement in his behavior and in his ability to accept criticism and discipline. He has stablized and acts just like how you would expect an 8-year old to behave. And, we have stopped some of the more disconcerting negative behaviors that where causing him to be admitted to hospitals on a regular basis last year. He had developed a habit of threatening to hurt himself in order to gain attention and manipulate a situation. We discovered that he didn't even understand what he was threatening to do. He had no concept of the consequences if he carred out these threats.
Now he does, and he has been taught how to properly share his feelings and ask for help when he needs it. Hopefully these coping skills will help him maintain a more stable behavior, help his mother in dealing with him, and start to help him gain new friends. Time will tell if my efforts have been in vain or not. I have discussed these things with his doctors and therapists and they seem to be encouraged by what has been going on this summer. With that said, let's explore some of the things I have taught my son, Scott.
You have to choose to be happy
Probably the most important lesson that I have taught Scott is that happiness in life is a choice that all of us have to make on a daily basis. It is so easy to allow the events of life and the actions of others affect our mood and how we feel about ourselves. When Scott first arrived he was always very quick to tell us when he was not having fun or he was feeling sad. We had planned all sorts of activities for him and if he did not want to participate, or if we didn't do something that he wanted to do then he would tell us that he was bored, not having fun, or sad.
Finally, I took him aside and told him that happiness is a choice, and that my responsibility as a parent to him was not to make him happy, but to provide him with opportunities where he could choose to be happy. It is not my fault that he is choosing to be bored, or choosing not to participate in an activity. He is responsible for his actions and how he responds to the situations and events that occur in his life.
I then started to teach him how to sit still and use his imagination to dream or think about things he likes to do. I told him that if he practiced this he would soon find that when he feels bored, he can change that feeling into happiness because his imagination can simulate the good feelings he has when he does something that he wants to do. As his visit comes to a close for this summer, he has learned this valuable lesson, and we are not hearing that he is bored as much any more. He seems to be choosing to become happy, and he is getting good at changing his mood and attitude when he is having a bad day.
Hopefully, when he returns home to his mother he will continue to practice these things and she will see an improvement in his behavior. Maybe he will become easier for her to handle.
Don't talk back
It seems like kids these days always have an opinion, and they seem to feel obligated to talk back. Especially if their parents correct them on something. My son is no different, and this summer he is learning how to accept discipline without talking back. It is still an obvious temptation, and I don't know if he will be strong enough when he gets back home to continue with what I have taught him, but hopefully he will remember.
It is frustrating when you are disciplining a child that they feel compelled to offer excuses or arguments. They don't understand the importance of discipline--that it is so much more than punishment regardless of whether it is time outs or spankings. When you get past the punishment aspect and concentrate on the discipline part it is a tool used by a parent to teach a child how to be civilized. It helps the child to learn social skills and ultimately acceptance into society as a whole.
This morning we had a break through with my son. He was wearing a red bandana and his step mother asked him to remove it. Normally, he would make a fuss over this and end up being in trouble for not listening. However, this morning he chose to listen and he removed the article and brought it into his bedroom. He had a smile on his face and he chose not to make an issue of this request. When he returned to the living room his step mother rewarded him by telling him, "since you listened to me and did what I asked of you, you may wear the bandana." Scott's face lit up with excitement as he ran down the hall to his bedroom to retreive the bandana. It seems that he is listening and making an attempt to do what he is being taught.
He's learning that he is in control and that everything that happens to him is the result of his choices. He can choose to listen and behave, or he can choose to not listen and misbehave. In either case, he will receive the consequences of his actions. Those consequences could be a reward, it could be absolutely nothing, or it could be punishment in some form if he chose to disobey.
He has learned that not only can he choose to be happy, he can choose whether or not he is a good boy.
Do everything without arguing or complaining
Probably the most important thing I taught my son was how to maintain a positive attitude regardless of what is said to him, done to him, or asked of him. My son has a negative outlook on many things, and when he is talked to about something he tends to see the negative side and sees it as more evidence that supports his negative attitude about himself. It is a real struggle to teach him to counter this, and I believe a single summer's visit is simply not enough time to do it any justice. But, it is enough time to plant seeds as it were, and get him to start responding more positively. We can pick up with it when he returns next year, and maybe over time we can turn some of his negative attitude around.
This summer, however, we have witnessed quite a change in his attitude. He is now able to quickly stop the negative talk and turn it around to positive. So, I believe there is hope that we will get this to turn around for him. He also no longer complains when asked to do things and he has become such a little helper around the house. We made if fun for him by having him sign off on a task sheet each day as he accomplishes his tasks and chores.
Manipulating the situation
Scott is good at taking advantage of the situations that he finds himself in. He is good at manipulating the situation so that he ends up with what he wants, or simply to get attention. This summer it has been a real struggle to get him to stop this behavior trait. I believe that it is possible to stop it, but it seems that it is going to take a frustratingly long period of time to get this to stop.
A typical example of this behavior scenario starts out with Scott being told not to do something by his step mother. He will usually obey her request until I show up. Then he makes his second attempt at getting his way. His advantage now is that I don't know the entire situation, or what he was told earlier. So he has a good chance of me giving him the green light. This of course leads to all sorts of friction in the house since he has manipulated the situation into his favor.
When he is at home with his mother he plays basically the same game. In this scenario he will become extremely repetitive in his requests in an attempt to wear his mother down. When that happens, he gets his way. If that fails, or he doesn't get the attention he wants, he will say things that are pervocative enough to upset people or escalate the situation so that he gets put into the hospital because he has threatened to hurt himself in some manner.
Then, the family responds and he is rewarded with all sorts of attention. As I said before, Scott is good at manipulating the situation so that he gets the attention he craves.
This summer I have been working with him to stop this behavior trait. We've made some progress, but there is still a long way to go. First off, I explained to him that it is inappropriate for him to threaten to hurt himself in this manner. That there are better ways to ask for help if he is feeling sad or in a crisis. I have taught him to come and tell someone if he has these feelings. So far this summer he has not exhibited these feelings, and he has not threatened to hurt himself.
On the other front we are still working with him. He is still playing one parent against the other, which causes all sorts of tension in the house. Communication between the parents is probably the best approach to stopping this behavior trait. And, it will most likely take time to get it to stop.
Conclusions
The summer went fast and Scott is now back home getting ready for a new school year. Hopefully, he will practice some of the things that we taught him this summer. Hopefully, his mother will see a positive change in his behavior and he'll be easier to deal with. It will take time for the seeds that I planted to take root, but after looking back at his visit my conclusion is that there is hope.
I talked with Scott's mother the other day and he is doing fine now that he's back home. It's time for him to get ready for the new school year, and he seems to have taken the things that he learned this past summer to heart. Yes, there is hope, and Scott will turn things around for himself as he too learns to move on from the hard times he has been through.
